Responding vs Reacting
Recently, I was sitting outside a hair salon, waiting for my stylist to come and get me for a haircut that was about 5 months overdue. On the other side of the front door was another bench where a mother and 4 year-old little girl were sitting. The mother didn't want her daughter to wear a mask so the stylist was going to cut the little girl's hair outside on the bench. As the stylist began to cut the back of the little girl's shoulder-length brown hair, the little girl jerked causing the scissors to cut it a little shorter in the back than the mother envisioned.
Upon seeing the cut-out of her daughter's hair, the mother began to cry hysterically. "Oh, My God! Now what are we going to do? She is having her picture taken in a few days. How can we fix this? It looks awful. Oh, it's all my fault." The mother's reaction to a little slip of the scissors, due to no fault of the stylist, was shocking to say the least. And only a small section in the back of her head had been cut a couple of inches.
In a fit of desperation, the little girl was whisked away into the salon like she was going to an operating room. The mother thought that wetting the hair might help them better salvage this apparent catastrophe. Interestingly, I saw her as they were walking out of the salon and it was exactly the style I am working towards. It was a little too adult-looking for a four-year old but it was a nice cut.
As I waited for my stylist to come get me, I thought about all the messages the mother had likely sent to her daughter, unintentionally, of course.
"My appearance is very important. If it isn't perfect, something will be very wrong."
"Mommy needs me to look a certain way. If I don't look the way she wants, it will make her very upset."
"When something doesn't go the way I want, it is okay to cry and act out of control. There is a right way and a wrong way."
"If you don't do something right, you should be very mad at yourself."
I also wondered to myself if the current state of affairs in our country has caused people to become that reactionary. I later learned that the mother had a reputation with the salon of being difficult so I took a little comfort in the knowledge that maybe the whole world hadn't gone completely crazy.
Nevertheless, the fact is, we are living in a reactionary time. I see it in myself, other people and certainly on the news. How many of us react with anger and sometimes disgust when we see a Facebook post or something on the news that the "other side" has put forth? I know more than a few people, mostly men, who yell at their television sets. Women are probably more likely to go to the refrigerator. Well, for that matter, men do too. It is called, "stuffing it" -- stuffing the feelings you don't know what to do with.
Even people like Bette Midler and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, both of whom I respect, have been known to react inappropriately. Self control is something many people are struggling with during these turbulent times. Tempers are short and feelings come out in all kinds of ways, often onto the people we care about most.
When we react without thinking of the consequences of our words and actions, we are usually coming from a place of fear and anger. Not much good comes from that. We upset ourselves and those around us. A reaction typically provokes more reactions.
A response, on the other hand, is thought out, calm and nonthreatening. Although it takes a certain amount of restraint to respond instead of react, it usually elicits a totally different response from the other person and we don't have to clean up the mess we made by flying off the handle.
The next time you find yourself on the verge of reacting, here are some questions to ask yourself that may help you respond in a more constructive way.
What is my primary objective in this situation?
Am I sure that what I think I am angry at is the true source of my anger or is it misdirected?
Is blowing off steam at another person going to make me feel better for more than a few seconds?
How can I say what is true for me without attacking another person?
Would I be better to not respond at all? Again, what is my objective?
What can I tell myself and/or do when I have an internal reaction of fear or anger to make myself feel better?