What’s Behind It All

Do you ever wonder how the world got to be in the state that it is in? Do you wonder how your own life came to be what it is? Why is everyone doing what they are doing?

These are questions that can drive one mad if you ponder them too long with the mind. The mind only knows what has been programmed into it. The heart, on the other hand, has an innate wisdom of its own, separate but inclusive of the chattering mind.

So if we ask the heart these questions, it won’t use words such as greed or dangerous pedagogy or xenophobia or hatred. It uses just one word — Love. It sounds corny for sure, but it is true that love is what makes the world go ‘round and as the song goes, “what the world needs now, is love, sweet love — it’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.” It is not a romantic, sentimental kind of love we read about in novels or see in movies. It is a love that is as primal as breathing.

Think of little children. What do they want? What do they need to thrive? They simply want love. It’s not the words they crave. It is a pure unconditional love that brings with it safety and acceptance. Most parents never received that kind of love growing up themselves so they aren’t capable of giving it as parents. It is nobody’s fault. It’s just the way it is.

Consider animals. What do they want? They want food, of course, but just as much they seek love and nurturing. I have mentioned in an earlier post our rescue, Prince. He was around 8 years old when we rescued him. He was so frightened because of abuse and abandonment that he had lost his bark. When we first got him, he stayed in his bed all the time because it was obviously the safest place he could find at the time.

Now that he has a good home where he is comfortable, all the dog wants is love. He looks at us with these big brown eyes and then quickly flops over on his back to have his belly rubbed. He loves kisses. He loves to give them and receive them. Well, no, not dog -licking kisses but human kisses. Yes, I admit it — I kiss my dog. He especially loves to be kissed on the face and neck. When being kissed he sits as still as a statue and exudes such a peace that it spills over to me.

As an executive coach to senior leaders in mostly Fortune 100 companies, I am reminded of the countless brilliant, yet “difficult” executives I have had the privilege of coaching. In a couple of companies I worked in I seemed to be assigned all the hard asses — successful executives who were extremely smart, educated and capable but were abusive to other people. My job was to teach them interpersonal skills so they could work more effectively with others.

In every case, something in the course of our conversation would come out about their childhood that made sense of their behavior. One high level executive had never made less than a 4.0 grade average all the way through school including his PhD. He was also the captain of the football team and baseball team in high school. He explained that if he was ever anything but perfect in his performance, he would be severely beaten at home. No small wonder he sometimes pushed others in the company aside in order to get what he wanted.

Another person lost his father when he was 13 and was raised by his extremely abusive mother. His social skills were near zero. When he finally saw how abusive he had been to his staff, he broke down and wept. He was so dissociated from his own feelings that he didn’t even know what he was doing. I can recount numerous other similar stories of both men and women.

That is not to excuse abusive behavior on the part of a leader but it helps us understand how a lack of love in one’s early years can later surface as abusive behavior toward others. Not getting love in the early years is the equivalent of not getting milk for one’s bones. Not everyone who was abused follows the same path but the abuse, sooner or later, comes out somewhere in some form — either towards oneself or someone else.

The world’s greatest ills are so complex and many so long-standing that we don’t even recognize the roots of the problem. It may sound too simple but it is true. All wars, all divides, all injustice initially occur because of an absence of love. Just as the most disliked corporate executive deemed evil, horrible or some other negative descriptor, due in large part because of a lack of love, our collective problems are no different.

Wars are started because someone was hurt and abused somewhere along the line. Hatred towards another is almost always a projection by the hater of some unloved parts of themselves. I am sure this statement will get a rise out of many who believe that their hatred is justified by what they perceive to be someone else’s evil that hurts someone else. Maybe so. Maybe not. Or perhaps that is only part of the story.

Think for a moment about how most people live their lives. Aren’t most of us, from the time we come out of the womb seeking the approval and the acceptance of others. As we get older we get more sophisticated in how we work to achieve those needs, but the need for love and acceptance underlies it all. It is built into our DNA for without it mankind would not have survived.

Everyone puts forth an image of the person they think they need to be in order to be loved and accepted. When it comes right down to it, it’s that need to be loved that drives everything. These patterns of behavior are formed at such an early age by family, school, religion and society that many of us hardly recognize them for what they are. Often it is the people who look like they have it all together that are in the most need of real love. Their overachievement can be a compensation but most people never recognize it as such.

So if love or the lack of it is at the root of most of our individual and collective problems, what do we do about it. First, we recognize it. We look deeply into difficult situations and people to see what is really going on — within them and within ourselves. Often when we are angry at someone it is because they have triggered some old hurt within in us. The opposite can be true of the other person.

In order to heal our collective wounds and ills, we must heal our individual wounds. When we can embrace and love the parts of ourselves that we have disowned, we naturally become a source of healing for the world around us. It must begin with us, individually. Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Another way of expressing that might be, “Be the love you wish to see in the world.” To be the love you must first love yourself. For when you love yourself, positive change is a natural by-product, both inwardly and outwardly. Love flows from the heart so when you heal your own heart you become a fountain of compassion for the entire world.